Homestuck film 1 fan script
by Novanto
Summary: A fan script I made. This script contains acts 1, 2, 3 The Intermission, and 4. Next update, Act 3 begins
1. The Note Desolation Plays

Homestuck

{Music: Skies of Skaia}

A star field fades in.

The Sburb logo appears, glowing green

HOMESTUCK

The Zodiac constellations glow in a rainbow of color, Cancer glowing grey.

BASED ON THE WEBCOMIC PHENOMENON BY ANDREW HUSSIE

Approach the center of the zodiac circle, passing through the outer solar system, as the other VA's appear alongside each planet. Zoom in on Earth's Pacific Ocean.

ACT ONE: THE NOTE DESOLATION PLAYS

The camera approaches Jade's Island with its Frog Temple in the Pacific, southwest of Baker Island. The Space symbol, resembling a white spiral galaxy, appears with Jade's VA.

Next is Dave's apartment in Houston Texas. The Time symbol, a red gear with ten spokes and Dave's VA appear.

Heading north to Rainbow Falls, New York, it's Rose's home. The Yellow sun symbol for Light and Rose's VA appear and fade.

Cross the country to John's house in Washington. The symbol for Breath appears with John's VA then both dissolve in a gust of wind.

Enter a window and camera pans around his room counterclockwise. Several movie posters decorate the walls, a chest sits in a corner, and on a desk the computer is off. The camera stops on a bed, where a young boy with overbite sleeps soundly. A middle-aged man with a fedora and pipe, Dad Egbert, opens the door.

DAD: John, I'm off to the store for a few minutes.

The boy mumbles in his sleep and rolls over.

DAD: Happy Birthday, son.

Dad puts a rolled up poster on the table next to the door and another present in the chest, then exits the room. John wakes up, heading over to the calendar.

JOHN: Heheh, happy birthday to me!

He heads back to the bedside table, evading a hammer and some nails as he moves on. He picks up the poster, unrolling it just a bit.

JOHN: Con Air! Sweet!

Before he can finish saying "sweet" an array of cards fly up from the desk, the poster being added into one of them. The cards then flutter around the room before falling to the floor. One hits the hammer, and it is added to the card. The same thing happens with the nails. They then arrange themselves into a neat stack on the floor.

JOHN: Hell.

He picks up the stack, noticing he's unable to shuffle through them.

JOHN: (sighs) Combine hammer, nail and poster cards.

All three then appear on the top card. He moves over to the empty space on the wall.

JOHN: Use on wall.

The poster then appears on the wall, and only the hammer is left on the card. John then looks up as he hears a noise, the mail truck arriving. He picks up a note attached to the screen of his computer and reads it aloud:

JOHN: "Dear John Egbert: Congratulations! You and three others have been selected to test play a new game known as SBURB! You should be receiving two discs containing the game in the mail very soon. We look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Yours sincerely, The Skaianet Company.

Putting the letter in his pocket, John goes out to pick up the mail knowing that his dad is off.

JOHN: It's a good opportunity to avoid him for a while.

John heads downstairs and sees two presents. Opening the smaller one, he finds a strap designed to hold something long and thin on his back.

JOHN: I wonder what this thing is for.

Putting the strap on, he opens the larger gift, which is a giant armless harlequin doll.

JOHN: Ugh, Dad! You know I don't like these things!

As if on cue, Dad pulls into the driveway.

JOHN: Crap!

John slips back upstairs quickly as Dad walks through to the kitchen, pausing to sit the doll up on the couch. John goes outside to get the mail, only to find Dad has gotten it first, leaving the server disc in his car on accident.

JOHN: Damn it. Dad picked up the mail! Now how am I supposed to play?

John facepalms as he looks through the kitchen window, to see the other envelope and a red package. Dashing back upstairs, John grabs a few smoke pellets, a bottle of glue, and a fake arm from the chest, not noticing the present. Going back downstairs, he glues the arm to the harlequin doll, talking to himself while doing so.

JOHN: What's that red package? Is it from one of my friends or for dad?

He lobs the pellets into the kitchen, and almost instantly, the smoke alarm begins beeping. Quickly, John grabs the package and disc. Rushing upstairs, he goes into the bathroom and opens the box with a razor. He then removes the Con Air bunny, practically squeeing, and reads the note.

Dave: voice over "So hey,

Since it's your B-day I had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so I got you this god-awful thing and now I just know you're standing there flipping your shit over it so you're welcome.

It's the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. I would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but I know you're dead serious about this ridiculous shit so you'll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff.

But the weird thing is that's what's cool about you. You're this naive guy like Pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking Ghostbusters. Then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and I know I'm going to have to get you off the hook but it's cool I got your back bro.

Then we'll meet and hug bump and get each other's filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah

Peace dawg

TG"

The bunny falls to the ground and he quickly picks it up as it fades into reality once again. A noise then comes from his computer, signaling someone pestering him. He pops in the disc and opens Pesterchum. A spirogragh appears on the screen before being covered up by the Pesterchum window and Rose's face.

ROSE: I understand you as well as three others, including myself, have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as... (scowls) GameBro Magazine.

JOHN: Whoever told you that is a liar. A liar you should stop hitting on.

ROSE: (shrugs) What can I say. I have a weakness for insufferable pricks such as Mister Strider.

The scene quickly changes to Dave, lying in his bed, asleep. It zooms in on his closed, uncovered eyes, which quickly open.

DAVE: My pimp senses are tingling.

Back to JOHN and ROSE:

JOHN: Not yet; Dad picked up the game with the mail, and it's my birthday so he might have some "surprise" waiting for me. Especially since I threw smoke pellets into the kitchen.

ROSE: That seems to be a trustful thought considering that your dad pranks you a lot in sign of paternal love.

JOHN: True… anyway, I'm installing the game now.

ROSE: Finally, let me connect me with you… hold on a second.

The computer screen flashes the words "Sburb Server connection established."

{DELETED SCENE: While Sburb installs, Dave and John chat}

JOHN: I'm connected now Rose!

ROSE: Good.

The cursor appears in John's room and grabs the chest, emptying it and revealing the present.

JOHN: what's that thing in my room?

ROSE: That would be the cursor I am using to manipulate your environment.

JOHN: wait so this game is like The Sims, but with real life? (Confused face)

ROSE: Apparently so.

Rose sets the chest down on the roof, then expands a corner of the room and deploys the Totem Lathe there, placing the Alchemiter on the balcony.

JOHN: What's that thing on my balcony? Seems interesting and cool!

ROSE: It's called an Alchemiter, apparently. I guess it has something to do with the Alchemy system of the game. And this next device is called a Cruxtruder. It provides a material needed to perform the aforementioned alchemy. The object I put in your room is called a totem Lathe. It carves the material so it can be used.

She then deploys the Cruxtruder so it blocks the front door.

JOHN: ROSE! That was my front door!

ROSE: There was a door there?

JOHN: yes there was a door! The only door to go out!

ROSE: You have a back door, do you not? You can still exit the house.

JOHN: oh! You're right. Well right now I don't think I want to go out. Dad might be waiting to prank me or something.

ROSE: Then go check out the Cruxtruder.

JOHN: Okay!

John prepares to exit the room, and then notices the gift on the floor. Upon unwrapping it, he finds a PDA which is a deep blue with his initials on the back in sky blue.

JOHN: Huh? What's this doing here?

The PDA has a message from Dad: Happy B-day, son! I am so proud of you.

JOHN: He is proud of me… well I actually didn't expect that, but why would he tell me such a thing?

John installs Pesterchum 7.0 on the PDA.

JOHN: dad got me a PDA! I'm gonna continue the conversation using that now. Be right back.

ROSE: It´s a proper gift for you.

JOHN: Thanks!

John logs off the conversation on his computer, and opens his account there. He shrugs, opens the door and gets pied by Dad, who was standing right next to the door. The pie gets all over John's face, covering his glasses with cream. Dad chuckles lightly.

DAD: That's for the smoke pellets.

JOHN: Ugh, Dad!

John attempts to whack Dad with the hammer. He easily dodges the blow and absconds to the study, glancing at the Cruxtruder for a brief moment in confusion. Shrugging, he enters the study.

JOHN: Argh! He went into the study! I need a shower.

John heads to the bathroom, followed by the cursor. John takes his clothes off and gets in the shower. A towel slips into the toilet, but when Rose tries to rescue said towel she rips out the toilet.

JOHN: ROSE! Put my toilet back!

ROSE: Oh, fuck. Sorry for that.

Rose repairs the floor and sets the toilet back in its place. John gets out of the shower and puts back on his Slimer tee and shorts, casually snatching the hammer from the sink. He heads down to the Cruxtruder and tries to turn the wheel.

JOHN: I can't move this thing!

ROSE: John, what is that strap on your back for?

JOHN: I dunno. I think it's for carrying something. Like how a ninja straps a sword to their back.

ROSE: Ah.

John heads to the laundry room and Rose helps him strap a sledgehammer to his back. Returning to the Cruxtruder, John removes the hammer from the sheath, struggling with its weight.

JOHN: Can you help me, Rose?

ROSE: Certainly.

The Cursor grabs the hammer's head and helps John swing it onto the wheel, spinning it free. The lid pops off. The Kernelsprite appears along with a bright blue cylinder, and the countdown begins.

JOHN: What is this thing counting down to? It's creeping me out!

Miles away straight up, a spirogragh portal spits out a meteor.

The sprite floats over to the Harlequin doll sitting on the couch.

ROSE: Look at the Kernelsprite.

JOHN: what's it doing?

The sprite dances around the harlequin doll.

JOHN: This thing, it's messing around!

ROSE: According to some really poor walkthroughs, we're supposed to put something in it.

The cursor puts it on the sprite, which promptly absorbs it, revealing a slightly maimed Harlequin head with one arm, all tinted a light blue. Rose deploys a card with holes punched into it that has a blue apple image on it.

JOHN: What's this for?

ROSE: I think you are supposed to put it into the Lathe, along with that blue cylinder.

JOHN: uh okay if you say so.

John grabs both and heads back to his room. He puts the card into the slot and the cylinder in the vice. The lathe carves the cylinder into a totem. John takes the totem before pulling out his PDA to pester Rose. Her face appears on the screen, although the picture is a bit fuzzy.

JOHN: Alright, I used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing. I'm guessing I take it back to the alchemixer?

ROSE: Yes that's corre-

The point of view then changes to Rose, and the lights go off around her, leaving on her laptop light and the lightning outside to illuminate the blackness. She sighs, and for a few seconds the screen goes dark. After hearing a match being struck, a few candles are lit within the room.

ROSE: (sarcastic) Well, this is just wonderful.

She lies back on her bed, rolling over to see a purple box sitting there. She reaches over, tempted to open it, before quickly setting it back down on the bed.

ROSE: No, no, no. Not now.

A drop of rain hits her nose. She looks up and sees the roof leaking. Frowning, she gets up, glancing around her room before looking out the window. The silhouette of the laboratory is visible, and a bit closer, the mausoleum that Jaspers rests in.

ROSE: Captchalogue violin and knitting bag.

The fetch modus then appears on the screen, with the violin as the root and the knitting bag branching off to the left.

She turns to leave the room, running her hand across the book sitting on her desk. The title is easily visible, "Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious."

ROSE: (quickly mutters) Captchalogue laptop and grimoire.

Her sylladex promptly auto-balanced itself, with the laptop as the root card. She then leaves, heading outside to the observatory. "House of Lalonde" begins playing as she scales up in some sort of montage. "PSYCHE" then appears, the point of view switching to Dave, sitting at his computer.

DAVE: OH SHIT. Anyway, lat-

"DOUBLE PSYCHEOUT" appears and the scene switches back to Rose, sitting in the lab, her laptop sitting on top of the grimoire, her items scattered around her. She peeks through the telescope, where a large number of small meteorites streak through a gap in the clouds. John appears onscreen, looking quite freaked out.

JOHN: Agh! I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna-

ROSE: Hush. You haven't used the totem yet. It will most likely create the item on the punch card.

JOHN: So... like, an apple?

ROSE: It seems to vary from session to session. In one instance it was describes as an... (Reads it very slowly) "eggy loking thign". (Shakes her head)

John quickly runs to the alchemiter, the countdown starting from 0:30. The alchemiter creates a tree, which drops an apple and disappears. He takes a bite just as the timer hits 0:00. Curtains close around the scene.

END OF ACT 1

* * *

><p><strong>Novanto's Notes:<strong> Yes, I know the Pesterlogs suck.

**Pesterchum 7.0****:** This is an upgrade fro the 6.0 used in the comic. Basically, it now allows a Skype Call-like function. Figured it would make the Pesterlog scenes easier.

**John's PDA****: **I gave him that because I didn't want to include the computer shenanigans. Also, the trolls aren't recorded as being blocked from pestering John on the PDA. The coloring is designed to reference John's God Tier outfit. The other three main computers (Roses hubtop band, Dave's iShades, and whatever Jade's was), will do the same.


	2. Act 2: Raise of the Conductor's Baton

The camera then turns ninety degrees clockwise, revealing a bandage-wrapped man with ebony-colored skin typing at a computer, who jumps a bit as he accidentally presses the "CAPS LOCK" button. The camera then turns back.

ACT 2: RAISE OF THE CONDUCTOR'S BATON

The curtains quickly open again, revealing John's house on the pinnacle of what looks like some sort of mountain-like rock. The kernel then divides, leaving behind the Jestersprite. A voice then echoes.

WV: Boy.

JOHN: Whoa!

John jumps, looking around for someone before laughing a bit awkwardly.

JOHN: Just my imagination...

WV: YOU THERE. BOY!

JOHN: ...Hello?

WV: Listen to me, boy.

JOHN: My name's John!

WV: Boy who is John, obey my commands.

JOHN: And those are...?

WV: I would like the boy to interact with his environment in a constructive manner.

John then begins walking around his house.

JOHN: You know you could be a little more specific...

WV: Have the boy assess the current situation.

JOHN: You don't have to put it in third person. You are talking to me.

WV: Very well.

JOHN: ...Okay?

A "==**(Greater than symbol)**" arrow then appears, then another, until there are about 10 surrounding JOHN: He flips out, running back to his room to get away. As soon as WV speaks again they vanish.

WV: John! Quit all this scurrying around! Respond to your friend unit!

JOHN: A-alright!

John pulls out the PDA.

ROSE: I've been watching you scramble though your house like a lunatic. Why didn't you answer me earlier?

JOHN: Sorry! I was looking for my dad! Have you seen him?

ROSE: (_shakes her head_) I'm sure he'll turn up. We have more important things to address.

JOHN: Like where I am?

ROSE: Even I don't know that. You were transported away right before your neighborhood was desecrated by the meteor. It's been happening quite a bit in the past few days, all over the world. But yours? The biggest they've identified so far.

JOHN: ...okay...? So the point of all this is to save the world.

ROSE: ...Perhaps.

JOHN: Then let's get moving! Oh, hey. You're forgetting something!

ROSE: I was going to send you something, but I was running late with it. That said, happy birthday John.

JOHN: Ha ha, oh wow! Anyway, thanks!

WV: Now do as the purple girl says. To the balcony! And pick up the blue wobbly thing while you're there.

JOHN: Uh... Okay. You're the boss.

WV: You mean mayor.

JOHN: ...Right.

He picks up the totem when he gets to the balcony.

ROSE: You seem to be talking to yourself again. Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?

JOHN: Now's not really the time for psychoanalysis.

ROSE: Right. Now is the time for prototyping the Kernelsprite again, as well as getting the Server disc. My laptop battery won't last forever.

JOHN: Laptop. Right.

Rose creates a ledge leading near the car.

ROSE: And there goes the last of the build Grist.

JOHN: "Build Grist"?

ROSE: Build Grist is apparently a game mechanic used to modify the client's environment. I used most of it earlier repairing the bathroom.

JOHN: Oh. I'm gonna go get the sprite. Captchalogue totem.

John begins to head inside as the totem is snapped up by his deck.

WV: No! Don't do that! Hop off the ledge onto that car!

JOHN: Doesn't that sound, you know, dangerous?

Three arrows appear.

JOHN: Okay, now you're just being a pest! What turnip truck did you just tumble out of? Who are you?

YEARS IN THE FUTURE, BUT NOT MANY...

Cut to the present-day location of WV's exile base, which is revealed to be in a crater and quickly ages into what it is now. The black carapacian is shown walking through the desert into a tunnel, pulling the wrapping around his face a bit tighter to keep the sand out.

YEARS IN THE PAST...

Cut back to John The cursor has just picked up a Betty Crocker box, ready to prototype the sprite.

JOHN: Ugh, you're gonna use cake mix?

ROSE: I'm running low on battery power, you know.

JOHN: FINE.

Every time she nears the sprite it flies to another part of the room. You hear her sigh as she drops the box, picking up Colonel Sassacre's.

JOHN: FUCK YES! Now we're talking!

ROSE: Try to distract it.

The sprite moves out of the way right before she drops the book. The book hits the ground, and the house rattles. Nanna's ashes dump onto the sprite while it is caught unaware. John quickly runs into the other room, looking around frantically.

ROSE: ...Oh well. Our next task is getting your server copy from your father's car. You need to connect to my client, so I can presumably join you wherever you are before my house burns to the ground.

JOHN: There's a fire?!

ROSE: There will be soon.

JOHN: Then let's hurry! Can you get this thing out of the doorway?

ROSE: We have zero grist, while it costs a few hundred to move.

JOHN: Well... I thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that's dumb.

ROSE: ...I have an idea. Meet me upstairs.

The cursor vanishes as the echoing voice of an old woman's chuckle echoes around. John runs upstairs as Dave pesters him.

DAVE: Hey, bro. Check it out. I'm working on some new rhymes.

JOHN: Dude, I don't have time for your nerdy raps!

DAVE: This is hells of ill. Just listen.

JOHN: I'm busy! I have to go!

DAVE: Wait wait.

As Rose attempts to pick up the car, Dave raps aimlessly.

DAVE: Ben or Bruce? Dudes, c'mon, reach a truce. Put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it. Affleck's saclifice, I mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. Aw, fluck it.

Rose accidentally drops the car.

DAVE: Bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross, gettin' hella Christ-plagiarous. Bruce's like "Offa that crucifix, nuff a this fuckin' saviour-fuss!" Ash tray caterin' to layers of Matt MaConnahey's vague remainder-dust... Wait. Was he even in one of those meteor movies?

JOHN: SHUT UP!

DAVE: I should write a rap about Morgan Freemen being president. Called "Obama made it so no one gives a-"

Jade's face replaces Dave's.

JADE: John! The weirdest thing just happened! There was a huuuuuuge explosion!

JOHN: Was it a meteor?

JADE: (gasps) How did you know?

JOHN: Long story. Anyway, are you okay?

JADE: No, I'm fine! It landed pretty far away. Bec doesn't want me near it... Oh yeah! Did you get my package?

JOHN: Well... You see, it was in my dad's car, but Rose just dropped it into a bottomless pit and I'm sorry.

JADE: That sounds really crazy and kinda... scary, but pretty cool too!

JOHN: A lot of weird stuff's been happening while you were gone. I was supposed to help save Rose from meteors and fire and shit, but she lost battery power and I lost the game disc! So I think I have to get TG to use his copy. But he's being a jackass and won't shut up!

JADE: Ahaha! He's so silly!

JOHN: ...Right. BRB.

Dave's face appears onscreen again.

DAVE: When the film crew zooms where the president's at, I'm like, "If that dude's black I'll eat my hat!" Turns out he is, so we're all, "Damn, director's got gumption." Like we'll all flip our shit, he ain't shining shoes or somethin-

JOHN: Stop rapping for one fucking second, you horse's ass! This is important!

DAVE: Sup.

JOHN: I lost my server disc, Rose lost battery power, and her house is about to burn down. She said she was going to find a power source, so it's up to you to get her out of there using your copy.

DAVE: ...My copy? Well, you see-

JOHN: Oh god what.

DAVE: I lost it. Long story.

JOHN: Didn't you say you had two copies?

DAVE: One's my bro's copy, and he's gonna be pissed if I take it.

JOHN: Whatever. Also, you might wanna read Rose's walkthrough.

DAVE: Oh man. The girl tends to lay it on kinda thick, y'know?

John does an overly exaggerated eye roll as the scene changes to Rose, who is heading back down to the house. In the top-right corner of the screen it shows her inventory, while the bottom-left shows her strife specibus, containing only basic knitting needles. She makes her way into the hall, where the scene suddenly changes to DAVE:

He's sitting there, headphones blasting Shame and Doubt while he scribbles out his latest Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comic as he talks on his computer, the Pesterchum box where John's face would be is a black window. Next to him are an unopened bottle of apple juice and a blue box. The camera then pans around the room. Seen are a fan on full blast, a camera sitting alongside a variety of photographs, petrified birds and mammals, turntables and a couple posters for fairly unknown bands.

DAVE: Dude, what are you doing? ... (_shrugs_) Whatever, man. Talk to ya later.

Dave closes Pesterchum and spins around in the computer chair.

DAVE: Captchalogue box and apple juice.

On his screen now is one of the updates of Midnight Crew. The two items disappear, reappearing in the 5 and 7 cards in his sylladex. Almost immediately after his Pesterchum window opens on its own, Rose's face filling the screen as he pulls his headphones off.

ROSE: You know, Strider, in some cultures refusing a lady's invitation to play a game multiple times is a sign of wanton disrespect. Or flagrant homosexuality.

DAVE: What. No. I'm busy. I'm sort of a big deal, okay?

ROSE: It must be hard to keep a low profile in public when you're constantly overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog."

DAVE: Seriously, dudes be worshippin' me left and right. I can't hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate.

ROSE: Maybe you should adapt the art of parkour to make it easier to navigate the urban landscape of buildings, deferential flesh and skyward asses.

DAVE: I mean damn. There's this scruffy little shit at my feet, an orphan or something I don't know, face flush on the pavement. I'm like, "Dude. You listening for a stampede of buffalo or something?" He braves a look then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off.

ROSE: (_sighs_) Heavy is the crown.

DAVE: My gift to the world is not kicking Oliver Twist in the fucking face every day, among other things. I just give and fucking give.

ROSE: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.

DAVE: Oh, for fuck's sake. You're just lobbying for me to play that goddamn game.

ROSE: (fakes a gasp) Baseless accusation!

DAVE: How about this: If you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then I'll play. Will that make you happy?

ROSE: More than you know. It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.

Dave closes Pesterchum and unplugs his headphones as he tosses them onto the desk. Music (Beatdown (Strider Style)) starts playing out loud.

DAVE: Captchalogue ninja sword.

The juice flies out of his sylladex, coating his turntables and Beta copies. Freaking out he jumps up, running to the bathroom to grab a towel.

DAVE: (_stumbling over his words_) C-captchalogue damp towel- Shit, I mean- _(The box is then ejected from his sylladex. Dave groans_) Change damp towel to towel. (_The towel then moves to the 8 card, and he runs back to his room_) Captchalogue box!

Dave sets the betas on his windowsill as he dries the turntables off. The fan, rotating back and forth, causes the betas to jostle as if they're about to fall. Luckily, he reaches out and clicks the fan off before that can happen.

DAVE: Crisis averted.

A crow swoops into the room, flying around in circles before grabbing the betas and flying back out the window.

DAVE: (_pointing at the bird_) STOP!

The word "STOP" materializes near him, consonants turning blue and vowels turning red. Numbers appear underneath each letter, and the ninja sword flies out of his sylladex. DAVE pauses, and the whole room is silent except for the chirping of birds and assorted city noises outside. He walks over to the window, staring down at the bird corpse on the roof of the next building over, about ten floors down.

DAVE: ...No one can ever know about this.

The view changes to Rose, descending into her living room. Rushing water can be heard under the floor. She pauses as she reaches the bottom of the stairs, eyes narrowing at the large, twenty-foot-tall statue, Zazzerpan the Learned, in the middle of the room. "PSYCHOANALYSIS MODE!" appears next to her as the camera zooms in on her eyes, which dart quickly back and forth. The camera follows where she's looking.

ROSE: Just look at that... that mystical gaze. To peer into those aloof, glassen eyes is to arrest the curiosity of any mortal. To behold the wisdom concealed in the furrows of that venerable face is to know the ceaseless joys of bewonderment itself. Any man so fortunate as to catch askance his merry twinkle or twitch of whisker shall surely have all his dreams fulfilled. Detestable. Mother most likely hates them too, collecting them only to spite me. Ohhhh is she a committed woman.

She comes out of that 'mode', heading into the kitchen.

ROSE: Drat. Oh well, I'll just use the front.

Rose vaults over the couch, knocking a few wizard statues to the floor in the process.

ROSE: Lousy goddamn stupid wizards!

She darts over to the front door where Mom appears, holding a martini and a feather duster.

ROSE: Out of the way, please, Mother. I need to go outside.

MOM: I think _hic_ not, my dear.

ROSE: Very well then.

Rose pulls out her needles and tries to swipe at her mother, who dodges every attack. So quickly realizes she's wasting time.

ROSE: I'm wasting time here, Mother. I need to go help my friend.

Rose leaves her mother to dust Zazzerpann and goes out the back door. She sees a back-up generator near a Mausoleum.

ROSE: There's the generator!

Upon retrieving her umbrella, her Sylladex falls apart.

ROSE: Captchalogue items on ground.

The items leap back into her Sylladex rearranging themselves neatly as Rose trudges her way across the ground to the generator. She grabs the cord and enters the small tomb. In the center is a small coffin, which Rose looks at sadly.

ROSE: Sorry, Jaspers, but you've got to move!

She pushes the coffin off the ledge it's on, revealing a dead cat wearing a suit inside. She sets up her laptop, causing her things to fall out again, and plugs the cord into it.

She reconnects with John, who is standing in his room.

ROSE: John, are you alright? And why is there oil all over your floor?

JOHN: Oh, some weird monster came in and tried to attack me with the bunny Dave gave me. Got the little critter, though.

{deleted scene shows John's Imp encounter}

ROSE: Oh. Well, why don't you go outside and see where you are.

JOHN: Okay.

John walks over to the door and opens it slightly. Immediately, a bucket of water lands on his head.

JOHN: GAH!

John turns around and throws the bucket off, then is shocked to see Nannasprite chuckling at him.

JOHN: Nanna?

NANNASPRITE: Yes, dearie!

JOHN: Wow, that was a good one, you scared the daylights outta me!

NANNASPRITE: The bucket-over-door trick. A classic!

JOHN: Are you really my Nanna!

NANNASPRITE: Of course dear! I've come back to help you through the Medium and beyond! I'm sure you'll become a fine young man like your father!

JOHN: Oh, okay. He said I was really young when you died. Speaking of Dad, where is he? I haven't seen him anywhere!

NANNASPRITE: He was kidnapped by the forces of Darkness.

JOHN: Oh no!

NANNASPRITE: No need to worry, he can take care of himself.

JOHN: Good. So what is this "Medium" you're talking about? Are we like, in a computer or something?

{extended scene: Nanna pulls his leg about computers}

NANNASPRITE: No, dear, the software was merely a gateway. It provides the way for this realm to exist, and yet it always has!

JOHN: Okay, I'm confused!

NANNASPRITE: Why don't we take a look at the big picture?

JOHN: Okay...

{Skies of Skaia, full}

As Nannasprite explains, camera pans upward through seven Spirogragh gates, each one a light blue. After the seventh gate, a brightly glowing planet appears, clouds shining.

NANNASPRITE: Above the Medium, above the seven Gates, is a place known as Skaia. It lies at the center of the Incipisphere, which is where we are now, and is a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. I can't explain exactly what that means, though. But where something this important exists, there will always be forces of light charged with its defense, and forces of darkness who covet its destruction!

JOHN: Cool!

The camera approaches Skaia's center where a 3 by 3 chessboard floats. Upon it, a black king and a white king, locked in check, circle each-other.

NANNASPRITE: At Skaia's core lies the Battlefield, where the aforementioned forces do battle, and were trapped in an eternal stalemate until you arrived.

JOHN: Me? But what did I do?

NANNASPRITE: Do you recall the sprite, John? When it hatched, data was sent to four spires on Derse, the shadowy kingdom of darkness, and to four spires on Prospit, the golden kingdom of light! These spires sit above a throne, upon which sit the Queen. This "prototyping" changed the Battlefield, adapting itself according to the data.

The Battlefield grows to a 16 by 16 board as the kings develop harlequin motifs. More pieces, some occupying multiple squares, appear, and begin to move against each-other.

NANNASPRITE: However, Prospit's forces are always destined to lose.

WV: A quest of futility then.

JOHN: Then what's the point of the battle?

NANNASPRITE: That is for you to find out. At the moment, your goal is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house.

JOHN: And how do I do that?

NANNASPRITE: You build!

JOHN: So once I reach Skaia, I get to save the world? dances a little

NANNASPRITE: Not quite.

JOHN: stops dancing abruptly Wait, what?

NANNASPRITE: Earth is quite doomed. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that.

JOHN: Then what do I do when I get to Skaia?

NANNASPRITE: I'm sure you'll figure it out. You're a smart boy! Now, I'm going to bake some cookies!

JOHN: Thanks Nanna.

Nannasprite floats out through the wall, leaving blue goop where she went through.

WV: Go get the cookies.

JOHN: No. Not gonna happen.

WV: Do it!

JOHN: _whines_ I don't wanna!

The cursor repeatedly bonks John with the box, but he doesn't pay attention.

WV: Stupid boy! GET THE COOKIES!

JOHN: NO!

The camera zooms out show WV typing in all caps to John.

WV: typing JOHN I hits Caps lock command you to get the cookies boy.

JOHN: Wow, you're stubborn. But the answer is still NO!

WV: Fine then.

Near WV, a hatch pops open, revealing cans and a book on etiquette

WV: FOOD!

He takes out a mail box flag and cuts open a can, eating the contents. The camera leaves WV to his meal, and returns to Dave grabbing a katana from his wall.

DAVE: Hey, I wonder...

Dave looks out the window at the bird's corpse.

DAVE: Nope. It's long gone. Man, what is up with this heat?

Dave exits his room and goes to the living room. He moves a puppet out of his way. He looks around for Bro's Mannequin

DAVE: Wonder where Lil' Cal is?

He notes that Bro left the Xbox on. Behind Dave, a shadowy figure moves and places a puppet behind him.

DAVE: That's odd. Bro never just abandons a - notices puppet behind him Oh, there you are Cal!

Dave grabs one of Cal's arms and fistbumps the puppet. He then goes and messes around on Bro's computer. The shadowy figure from earlier moves Cal over to Dave again.

DAVE: spots Cal Oh, uh...hey, Cal! God, these puppets are really starting to creep me out!

Dave pulls out his red iPhone and attempts to contact John, but he doesn't respond.

DAVE: Dude? Dude, hello? Are you there? Must be busy.

Rose contacts Dave.

ROSE: Did you get your copy of the game yet?

DAVE: My Bro's copy, actually; long story. Don't tell John, but I'm starting to get a bit freaked out about the puppets.

ROSE: You mean your brother's collection?

DAVE: Don't get me wrong, they're cool, but he's going a bit too far with the things! Anyway, what's the dork up to?

ROSE: He's preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.

DAVE: _laughs_ Later.

The camera shifts through the screen to Rose, who closes Dave's window and opens the Sburb window, where John is freaking out about cookies for some reason. Rose picks up the box and hits him in the head a bit.

ROSE: John, what are you doing? Snap out of it. We ought to discuss what your grandmother told you, don't you think? Fine. Enjoy your stupor. I'll go about my business elsewhere.

Rose directs the Sburb window viewer to the study. Where a desk, a piano, and a safe reside. Moving the piano into what's left of the backyard, she replaces it with a machine the game calls a Punch Designix.

ROSE: I wonder what this does? _contacts John_ John, when you're done with your hysterics, check out the machine I placed in the study. It's called the Punch Designix. I don't know what it does, so you go figure it out. The information will come in handy later. Oh, and your house and yard are infested with Imps. Be careful.

John looks out the window and sees the Imps dancing around on a slime Ghost pogo ride.

JOHN: I see. They're messing up all my stuff!

ROSE: There you are!

JOHN: Yeah, sorry. Lost control there for a moment. I'm good now.

John looks outside to see the Imps riding the pogo ride crazily and playing the piano. All of them are dressed up like Harlequins.

JOHN: Grr... nobody risks painful injury on that thing but me!

Rose picks up the piano and drops it on the imp sitting on the ride. The imp bursts into Grist, which looks like giant blue and purple Gushers.

JOHN: Rose, my piano!

ROSE: Sorry, these controls are a pain! Besides, one piano isn't the end of the world.

JOHN: True.

ROSE: Now you need to go get the Grist. I can't interact with it directly.

JOHN: In person?

ROSE: Yes, is that a problem?

JOHN: Well, I was hoping to avoid Nanna and her ghost cookies.

ROSE: Hmm... let me try something.

Rose tries to fling the Grist on the pogo up to John, then simply rips up the pogo and places it in the bathtub. John snags the Grist.

ROSE: There. Now why don't you check out the Designix? You can do that while I get to work.

JOHN: On what?

The camera returns to a display on Rose's computer as she creates a staircase.

ROSE: Your Nanna said to build. And that is exactly what I will do. However, this will take a lot of Grist. You're going to be busy.

JOHN: Aw. What are you building?

ROSE: Stairs. They are fairly expensive actually.

JOHN: oh man... I could have warned you about stairs, Rose!

ROSE: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.

Rose removes most of the catwalk and regains some grist.

JOHN: _in a slightly deeper voic_e It keeps happening!

ROSE: Ah, good. It looks like I can get refunds.

JOHN: _normal voice_ I told you Rose! I told you about stairs!

ROSE: chuckles Okay! Consider me fully briefed on the matters of stairs. _giggles a bit more, then calms down_ Now if you don't mind, it's hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in the non sequitur of Dave's comic.

JOHN: He is so lame! Puppets are SO not cool!

Rose builds a platform above Dad's room, using up just about all of the Build Grist.

ROSE: Well, it's not enough for an observatory, but at least I have a base for later construction.

The camera returns to John, who is prowling his house for stray imps.

JOHN: looking through bathroom cabinet Nope, none in here. But the shaving cream might come in handy later! Captchalogue two cans.

The Sylladex snaps up a pair, flinging the telescope out the open window.

JOHN: Whoops. Oh well, no biggie! Might as well bring the pogo too.

He captchalogues the pogo ride as well, expelling the towel, which drops back down onto the rack. Rose checks up on Nannasprite, who has baked a ton of cookies. An imp attempts to steal one, and is zapped by Nannasprite.

NANNASPRITE: Not for you!

John exits the bathroom and finds imps all over the main room.

JOHN: Aw, man! Cruxite and goo everywhere!

John uncaptchalogues the ghost pogo, pulls out his original hammer, and begins bouncing along, crushing imps.

JOHN: This is incredibly dangerous! (_bounces down the stairs_) Let's see how they like the old doublebarrel latherblaster (_pogo lands on some Cruxite_) WHOA!

John flies off the pogo and is knocked out for a moment. He sits up clutching his head.

JOHN: That hurt.

WV: Mister John, respectfully ask that you please stand up.

John jumps to his feet, grabs the pogo, and holds a can of shaving cream to its head.

JOHN: Don't move or the pogo gets it!

The Imps freeze in terror.

WV: Now, flee from the boorish rabble post-haste.

John vaults over an imp into the study which has a pair of imps inside. Rose uses the fridge to crush that hatless imp and nudges it into the doorway.

WV: Congratulations.

JOHN: I feel really good right now!

ROSE: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix. There's some imps behind you. Should I take care of it? John, hello? You trapped your PDA, didn't you. Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream? So pointless.

WV: might I trouble you for a can opener?

Rose grabs the safe in the corner, drags it above the area of the roof that the Imp is under, and drops it, crushing the Imp and breaking the door open.

JOHN: A can opener? Might be one in the kitchen, but the fridge is in the way.

The Camera zooms out of WV's screen to show him eating the pages of a book on etiquette. The camera zooms back in on John's screen as it changes to Rose's, who is typing a walkthrough. She saves her progress, and begins building a foundation for a loft above John's room by copy-pasting the chimney four times, using 40 out of 80 units of Grist. She then constructs another platform on top of the chimneys, costing 25 Grist. Next, she creates a ladder by copying the balcony railing, rotating it 90 degrees, and extending it, expending the remaining 15.

ROSE: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.

WV: It appears we have reached an empasse.

JOHN: _(shrugs)_ Apparently.

WV: The opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately, but it has been a pleasure nonetheless.

JOHN: Umm, Thanks.

Rose whacks him with a crumpled hat, which does not gain John's attention. In response she screams into her pillow, placing the hat on his head

WV: I shall take my leave now. Good bye.

JOHN: Whoa! Where'd all this Grist come from? And why is this hat on my head? Ah well.

John collects the Grist and examines the designix.

JOHN: _(examines instructions)_ Look at back of card, press buttons, insert blank card in slot. Easy enough.

John flips over the Pogo ride card and examines the code.

JOHN: Huh, these are so hard to read! _(does the same with the hammer card)_ Huh. Looks like my Strife deck cards have them too.

John sets down the pair of cards and types in the Pogo ride's code.

JOHN: D... Q... M... m... J...L... e...K.

The red light on the Designix changes to red and John inserts the card. He removes it to find that holes have been punched into it. John then types up the hammer's code.

JOHN: n... Z... 7... U... n... 6... B... I.

John inserts the hammer's card, which gets punched as well. Upon trying to take the pogo out, he finds that it is stuck in the card.

JOHN: Darn it. Oh well, I can always get them back later.

John mashes the keyboard, resulting in the code "dskjhsdk"

JOHN: Combine shaving cream cans.

The two cards containing shaving cream merge into one. John inserts the cards into the slot, where it is punched.

JOHN: That was fun.

As John checks his PDA, the camera slips out the window where an Imp is looking inside. The Imp turns around slowly, sensing danger. A bathtub is suddenly flung through the wall, crushing the creature, breaking the wall separating the kitchen, and startling John.

JOHN: Whoa!

John collects the Grist as he responds to Rose.

ROSE: John, I'm about to throw a bathtub through the wall, look out.

JOHN: That was so totally unnecessary!

Rose creates a very skinny staircase leading up to the balcony.

ROSE: I made a shortcut upstairs so you can try out those new cards.

JOHN: How am I supposed to get up there? These stairs are way too thin.

ROSE: I'm trying to conserve Grist for now.

John looks through the hole in the ceiling. Through it, the Gate can be seen.

JOHN: Then why didn't you make a path through this hole?

ROSE: Have you ever been in that room, John?

JOHN: That's Dad's room, so no.

ROSE: Exactly. I would rather not be distracted by the contents of said room.

JOHN: Oh C'mon! Just make a ladder and I'll climb right through!

ROSE: Really? Haven't you ever wondered what was in there?

JOHN: well, yeah.

ROSE: Then trust me; you won't be going "right through."

JOHN: Wait, are you saying that there's something weird in there?

ROSE: I don't know. _(She pauses a moment to take a screen capture of the room)_ I can't see in there, it's all static.

JOHN: Meh, I think I can handle a few clown paintings.

ROSE: _(grabs the cards)_ I'll take these upstairs with a few dowels.

Rose puts the cards by the lathe in John's room, and places eight dowels there as well. John meanwhile examines the broken safe. He picks up an old book, Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text, captchaloging it, burying his PDA again.

JOHN: Looks like my own copy, but older. Huh.

John picks up the Shaving Almanac and the newspaper clippings.

JOHN: Why did he keep this away from me? And these clippings are all of meteor impacts. Weird.

John looks at the note on the wall, which displays the safe code.

JOHN: Well, this is useless. _(tosses it away)_

John examines the empty card on the floor and looks at the code on the back.

JOHN: All zeroes. I wonder what the code for a card is.

John captchalogues the card, which expels the Apple's totem from the deck, and looks at the back.

JOHN: All ones. Makes sense.

John goes and punches the card, leaving only two cards in his sylladex, his PDA and the joke book.

ROSE: No John wai-Oh. I was about to say "take the card out first." You would've only burned one card.

JOHN: Yeah... Dammit!

John throws the hat out through the giant hole in the wall and captchalogues the punched card, which sends the PDA flying. Rose quickly catches it and brings it back. John captchalogues the PDA, which sends the book out the hole to crush an imp sneaking around outside. John runs outside and scrambles up the stairs, only to slip off.

JOHN: I TOLD her these were too thin!

Behind John, a large creature begins climbing up as the scene shifts to Dave. As he wanders over to Bro's turn table set, a shadowy figure darts over, grabs the sword hanging above it, and vanishes in a split second. Dave glances up at the holder, shrugs and goes to look at a comic on the wall.

DAVE: I KNOW he left this here to get under my skin. Trouble's a brewin'.

As Dave takes down the comic and tears it up, the figure places Cal on the turntables and vanishes once again.

{Extended Scene: Dave's Kitchen Shenanigans}

Dave wanders over to the sink and spies something in the reflection of the basin. It looks like something written on the ceiling. He looks up to see a crawlspace hatch. On it, there is an image of a puzzle piece with the words "Hello Dave" done in red.

DAVE: Okay, he must be ironic about these stupid mind games. I mean, nobody actually likes those movies.

Dave builds a fort using the turntables and cinderblocks, and then climbs on top to pull the string. The hatch swings down knocking Dave over and burying him in smuppets.

Dave slices the puppet pile apart and looks at the note that's attached to the back of the hatch with a batarang.

BRO:_ (Voiceover)_ Lil' bro. Roof. Now. Bring Cal.

The scene fades out to John standing by the Lathe. He builds a tent using some dowels, a bed sheet, and his dresser, then smiles proudly at it.

JOHN: That was fun. A waste of time, but still fun!

ROSE: We don't have time for this. _(She tosses the bed sheet and dresser out of the house)_ Now go carve some totems.

JOHN: Alright, alright. So pushy.

John proceeds to carve totems of the pogo ride, the hammer, and the random code, laying the respective cards on the corresponding totem. He then carves the Captchalogue Card totem, which only makes the dowel somewhat thinner. Rose stores the totems away in the game's inventory. She moves over to the Alchemiter and begins to make ten cards using purple Shale Grist, then brings the cards down to John who smiles happily.

JOHN: Whoa, did you just make all these?

ROSE: Yes.

JOHN: Sweet, thanks! What did you do with the blue wobbly vase-looking things?

ROSE: I brought the totems to the Alchemiter to test them. I'm taking some things into my own hands to save some time.

JOHN: Okay.

Rose makes a hammer at the expense of two units of Build Grist, then a pogo ride using up five Build and one Shale unit. The random code uses up four Build Grist units, eight units of shale and creates what looks like a rocket pack with a cinderblock, a flower pot, and a violin stuck inside it.

ROSE: Well, this thing won't work. But it can still be useful.

She uses it to crush an Imp standing on the Alchemiter. Meanwhile, John uses a little strategy to fill out his deck. Picking up the Wise Guy book, he then grabs the cards, which ejects the PDA. John snags it from the air, recaptchalogues it, then does the same with the book, pushing the cards out and flushing the cards into expanding his inventory.

Looking through the book, John gets an idea. He picks up the Hammer Card and the Pogo ride card, then places the former on top of the latter, causing some of the holes to be overlapped. Slotting the cards into the lathe along with a new dowel, he creates another totem and takes it to the Alchemiter, which is covered in hammers for some reason. Clearing off the platform he sets the totem into place and gets off. The result is a hammer that has a light green grip, a white handle, a grey head with black springs and ends. On top of the head is a green slime ghost similar to the one on John's shirt.

JOHN: Now this is cool!

He swings it onto the platform. The spring-loaded hammer bounces back up as John quickly turns around to slam it into the platform again.

ROSE: What did you do?

JOHN: I combined a couple cards in the lathe and made this! I call it the Pogo Hammer!

ROSE: I see. That was a really good idea John. Nice work!

JOHN: Thanks! I got the idea from Harry Anderson.

ROSE: Who?

JOHN: You know the show Night Court?

ROSE: No.

JOHN: Well bottom line is, he's awesome and that's all there really is to say on the matter.

John begins repeatedly bouncing the hammer on the platform, building up energy, then jumps up and slams it onto a nearby imp on the pogo ride, crushing it and sending the boy flying up to the roof. Rose quickly catches John with his bed.

Down below, large creatures begin scaling the rock pillar and house.

JOHN: Hey that was a … nice… uh…

ROSE: Sweet catch?

JOHN… Save. Yeah. Y'know, this is pretty comfy. Why don't you just carry me up to the gate?

Rose clicks the bed and tries to move it. On her screen, the bed flashes red.

ROSE: I can't interact with you directly, or with anything you are touching, if it will result in moving you. See?

JOHN: Lame!

ROSE: I think it's an anti-cheating function. It would take away your free will as an adventurer and the need to advance by your own skill and ingenuity. The Server player is merely a facilitator.

JOHN: Well okay. All that running about has me beat, so I'm gonna rest here a bit. Do you think you could keep the Imps at bay, maybe drop some stuff on them?

ROSE: No, you should pick up your hammer and defend yourself.

JOHN: What, come on!

ROSE: I have no idea what Dave is up to or how close he is to recovering the game. There's also some stuff I'd like to try, in case he doesn't come through.

JOHN: Oh alright. I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a moment here though.

John falls asleep as the scene switches to Rose, who is checking an index of John's alchemy experiments so far, which at the moment only includes the Pogo Hammer recipe: Pogo Ride && Hammer equals Pogo Hammer.

ROSE: I wonder if I can send John the code for the Server disk.

Rose ejects the disk and Captchalogues it. Upon flipping the card over, she finds no code at all.

ROSE: Oh God damn it.

She slaps her face. Outside, the generator stops working, and her laptop runs out of power. Rose performs a double face-palm.

John is floating in an expanse of blue surrounded by clouds. Below him, Prospit's golden moon shines in the light. We switch to John's POV view as the clouds change shape into Dad's head, a cake, a box of fruit gushers, a harlequin, the slime ghost, and Harry Anderson. As the clouds move away, a dark silhouette of Jade appears, but John can't see her properly.

DREAM JADE: John, wake up!

John sits up on his bed his PDA buzzing in his sylladex. John pulls it out, ignoring the imp cowering near the bed.

JADE: Hey! How's your adventure going?

JOHN: Oh there you are! It's okay. I'm making a little progress, and Rose is helping me out now!

JADE: That's good!

JOHN: Oh, but I don't think I'm actually saving the world here. (John frowns) I dunno what I'm accomplishing, but it's not that.

JADE: Hmm… well I think whatever it is, it must be pretty important! Don't lose hope; I think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive! Just keep listening to your grandmother's advice.

JOHN: Yeah, you're probably right... Wait, I don't remember telling you about Nanna, did I?

JADE: _(nervous)_ Uh, I don't think so... did you?

JOHN: Hmm, I dunno, maybe Rose or Dave talked to you about it or something.

JADE: _(slightly relieved)_ Yeah maybe that was it!

JOHN: They're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they think you have spooky powers, but I tell them that you seem pretty normal to me!

JADE: _(giggles and smiles)_

JOHN:_ (confused)_ But when I think about it, maybe there are times when it seems like... maybe you know some things? Like you know a lot more about something than you're telling me, I dunno.

JADE: _(nervous again)_ Oh, well John, I want to explain a lot of things to you... things that I know, I'm just... waiting!

JOHN: Waiting for what?

JADE: _(Abruptly changes subject)_ Oh! I forgot I was messaging you about the meteor that fell near my house!

JOHN: Oh yeah, what happened about that?

JADE: Oh boy, well... it turns out I was really confused about it. See, I guess I fell asleep for a while and lost track of time. That happens!

JOHN: Yeah I know, tell me about it. Maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something. So what's the deal with the meteor?

JADE: Well... it's hard to explain, but... I know what it is now! And I know everything's gonna be okay!

JOHN: So, what is it? Or is this just another thing you're waiting to tell me?

JADE: Oh gosh John, I REALLY want to tell you all this stuff! But I can't yet. I really think you need to wake up first!

JOHN: Huh?

JADE: Not literally. Well okay, KINDA literally!

JOHN: AUGH! Stop being so confusing! _(clutches head with free hand)_

JADE: _(laughs)_ Anyway time for you to go John! I think you have some company! _(closes her window)_

JOHN: Huh?

A large four-fingered hand slams onto the platform, holding the older Sassacre's book. John slips the pogo hammer into the strap on his back, then goes and hides behind the bed with the imp as the head belonging to the hand's owner begins to come into view wearing a large, belled harlequin hat. John pulls out his PDA and tries to contact Rose.

JOHN: Rose, why aren't you dropping something on that thing? _(notices that there is no connection)_ Oh no.

The imp absconds using an umbrella as John climbs down the ladder onto his bedroom roof where his magic chest sits empty.

JOHN: Lousy imps! I could've used some of that stuff!

John sees another one of the larger creatures climbing up, and ascends back to the platform, where an imp has apparently had the same idea. He calmly smashes it and collects the Grist. John then peaks over the edge to the dark clouds far below.

JOHN: It's a LONG way down... I thought I saw my trick handcuffs on the tree earlier. Where'd they go?

A shadow hovers over John, and he turns around to see the two giant creatures. They have the same black skin as the imps, but are several feet tall and have massive boar-like tusks. Also like the imps, they are wearing harlequin outfits. One holds the aged Sassacre's book; the other wields John's tire swing.

JOHN: OGRES!

Dave stares at the note in his hand, as poker-faced as he could possibly be at the moment, before crushing it and looking quickly captchalogues a mound of smuppets, then does an acrobatic pirouette to the top of the fridge and grabs Cal. The camera then zooms in on the handle of his sword, which he grabs. It then vanishes in a sword slice, and it's back to viewing Dave in the kitchen. The camera slowly zooms in on Cal's eye before a sudden skip to Dave kicking the door to the stairwell open. It then shows his feet as he ascends taking one step to each beat of the music, then fades to a close-up of his face (focused mainly on his shades) bobbing up, then suddenly to Cal's face. He then reaches the top, staring out the door at the buildings and the red sky behind. Camera zooms in on a section of the sky, the buildings fade, and a crimson spirograph becomes more visible. The camera suddenly zooms out, the spiral reflected in Dave's shades, his body a red sillouette while Cal is perfectly visible. Dave runs out onto the roof, setting the puppet aside as he looks around. The camera zooms out, showing the city being pelted by meteorites, buildings in the background collapsing. It then returns to Dave on the roof, still absently looking around as a shadow darts around, which snatches up Cal and vanishes. Dave does a flip onto the next roof, and the camera slowly zooms out. Just as it seems that a great duel may begin, the word "PSYCHE" flashes on screen, and the perspective switches to Jade, leaning up against one of the tables holding flowers. Just as she opens her mouth to say something, the words "OH WAIT" then "x2 DOUBLE PSYCHEOUT COMBO" flash, and the perspective finally switches to the Wayward Vagabond.

WV stretches his arms, his carapace cracking like a human's spine would. He then wanders over and eats an old pumpkin. Turning around, he examines a small red bar.

WV: Looks a gauge for a large power cell fueled by nuclear reaction. (stomach growls audibly) I'm hungry.

WV wanders over to the cans and picks one up marked "Gravy." He attempts to use his teeth on the can, but finds his teeth are not sharp enough, being designed for plant consumption. He then tries to use his sharp digits to poke a hole, but realizes that he isn't strong enough to do it, even though his carapace is rigid and sharp enough. WV picks up a couple more cans, which are labeled "Beans" and "Mustard," although he finds it hard to hold all three. He then spots a white marking on his left wrist and drops the cans to look at it.

WV: (sigh) This barcode brings back unpleasant memories...

He consumes a potted plant sitting nearby and picks up the etiquette book, tearing several pages out and eating them hungrily. He stares at a page about proper eating, then tosses the book away and clears out more cans from the hatch.

WV: Still need a can opener! Hmm... I wonder if...

WV pulls out a rusty sharp mailbox flag with cloth wrapped around it.

WV: Nah, my trusty knife won't work.

WV puts it into the pot and begins building a small town out of the cans. He then makes a mayoral sash using cables.

WV: I hereby dub myself the Mayor of Can Town! Not king though. Petty awful tyrants. I hate kings.

WV wanders over to the other side of room, where another cabinet and some other objects, a box of chalk, a nugget of uranium, a container of oil, and a lump of amber with a firefly inside. He opens the box of chalk and eats the two green pieces, as well as the uranium. WV's skeleton can be seen briefly as he burps. He taps on the cabinet, which doesn't open. He then picks up the amber, looking at the insect inside, which flashes in greeting.

WV: It's alive! Hmm, crushing the amber would most likely kill the firefly, but the light can still serve as the light of democracy.

WV uses the chalk to draw roads and trees, and then draws what looks like a chessboard near the oil.

WV: Okay, the white will serve as the residential zones, but I don't see what I can use for the commercial zones... (looks around and spots oil) That'll work!

WV carefully pours a small bit of oil into each empty square, making sure not to get any on him. He then peels the label off the can marked "MAYO", writes an R on it, then attaches it to his cable sash. He then looks around for more territory to claim for can town.

WV: Looks like there's no more space on the floor, but there's plenty of wall-space!

WV begins drawing a sky on the walls with blue and white chalk. On the cabinet, he draws a luminous planet with its own moon. On the room's western wall, he draws four more planets with no moons: a planet covered in oil with grey clouds, a brightly colored world with glowing clouds, a red planet with a gear around it, and a blue-green planet with a prominent volcano. Behind some cables dangling near the monitor displaying John testing out the Pogo hammer, WV draws a dark purple planet with a moon. WV checks out the screen, watching as John crushes the imp riding the pogo ride.

WV: I wonder how I switch to the other screens. Maybe if I press Tab.

He presses the key and the cabinet with the yellow planet opens downward, revealing several cans of Tab soda.

WV: So thirsty!

He rushes over and drinks several of the cans and adds them to Can Town.

WV: I feel so much better! Now back to what I was doing.

WV hits Escape, which minimizes the action window and reveals a history of all commands entered. He scrolls up a bit and is slightly stunned how much he has typed into the machine. He scrolls to the top of it and reads the screen for a bit.

WV: So I have to type "forward arrow switch 2" to switch screens, huh? Easy enough.

WV types the command, and the top right monitor activates, displaying a garbled image of the statue in Rose's house. Upon learning that he can't interact with whatever's happening on the monitor, he types "= Switch 3" which displays Dave and the crow sprite.

WV: Locked out of this one too. Oh well. I don't really want to command you anyway, child.

WV types forward arrow home. The four monitors display the Sburb Beta logo, and a countdown starting at four hours and 13 minutes. He then tries to type "Reboot" but can't.

WV: I guess the keyboard's disabled. Enough of this nonsense! I am an important mayor and this absurd contraption has wasted enough of my time! I've got a city to govern with a firm, polished yet supple when needed, carapaced fist. Besides, it'll kill time.

WV dismantles the town hall and sets up the numerous cans for an improvised chess game, which he wastes almost four hours on. WV picks up a can of Tab marked as a Black pawn, which promptly explodes in his face. Shaking his head he looks at the timer, which displays 00:004:09.

WV waves at Can Town and goes into the shaft nearby. A door slams shut behind him and a panel lights up on him.

WV: I wonder what these marks are.

Above him, a set of bars slides across the entrance.

WV: Oh great. Now I'm stuck in here. Hmm...

WV taps the spirogragh image. Beneath him, the floor rotates 360 degrees left, knocking the startled Carapacian to the ground.

WV: Oof! (Gets back up and looks at the image he tapped, which is now red and displays a padlock) I guess the room's locked. Wonder what's in the other one.

He taps the fractal image. The floor rotates 120 degrees. The door opens, allowing WV to enter the new room. He enters the room to see a contraption with two large screens. One is illuminated with an image of Earth, specifically the American Continents, as though viewed on a globe. The other is darkened with the image of a circular design. The control panel has three large buttons, the central one bearing the fractal symbol from the door. Below the screens are fields with numbers displayed on them, similar to a GPS, but with the addition of elevation and time. Next to the device is a wooden meter stick. Between the control panel and large screens is a spirogragh-shaped indentation. WV picks up the meter stick and pats his clothes.

WV: Darn it, I left my trusty knife in the other room! I could've attached it to this and make a spear. Hits himself with ruler Stupid!

WV looks at another wall. Another contraption consisting of a platform with the fractal engraved on it and a device aiming at the center at the design. WV proceeds to poke it with the meter stick.

WV: I wonder what it does.

He walks over to the control panel and presses the fractal button. The screen displaying the numbers changes to solid blue with the word "APPEARIFY" on it. The device over the platform glows and shoots sparks at the design below it. The electricity then collects into a ball, which promptly dissipates, revealing a pumpkin with a design carved into it.

WV nibbles on the pumpkin hungrily, and then sets it down to examine the other two buttons. Pressing the one on the left that resembles the diagram on the door causes the numbers to change.

WV: Hmm… I suppose these are the coordinates for the center of the base at the current date and time. This will be useful. Maybe I should try appearifying something else in this place just to be sure, like my knife!

WV adjusts the coordinates slightly, raises the elevation by point-five units, and leaves the time pretty much as is. He then presses the fractal button. The appearifier materializes the knife in its flowerpot. WV then cuts open the pumpkin and swiftly consumes the contents. He goes on to appearify the rest of Can Town, namely the cans and the amber chunk, which he picks up and looks at for a moment.

WV: I wonder if I can free this firefly now.

He alters the coordinates to match those of the firefly in his hand, and presses the button. Immediately, the insect vanished from the amber, reappeared over the platform and flew over to the Carapacian.

WV: I hereby dub thee Serenity.

He tried to materialize the rotten pumpkin but failed. The locator screen went bright blue, and flashed the word "PARADOXIFY." On the platform, a green pumpkin shaped object appears, and dissolves into a pile of green sludge. Serenity flashes "Let's go" in Morse code. WV nods and targets the bars by resetting the coordinates with the right green button, and adjusting the elevation ten units. The bars appear on the platform, each end white hot.

WV: I can get out of here now! Better get all my stuff together.

WV stuffs all the cans into the hollow pumpkin, but when he can't fit another can of Tab inside, he throws it. The can lands on the Reset button. He attaches his knife to the measuring stick, and tries to fit it onto the full pumpkin. This doesn't work, and the 'lid' gets eaten. WV instead pokes a couple holes in the pumpkin and ties the ends of a cable to each, using one of the now cool bars to carry it. He proceeds to climb the ladder and reaches the top.

As WV sits on top of the station, it rumbles and takes off. The crater of sand reveals that the station was the cork in what looks like the top of a wine bottle. Sand covers one of Zazzerpan's hands, revealing the location to have at one point in time been Rose's house. A continent westward and 413 years in the past, we watch as the meteor smashes into John's neighborhood. As the years pass, a white tree grows from the crater. It sprouts a single apple-shaped pod which promptly plops into the ground, after which the tree loses its leaves. An ivory-Colored Carapacian pushes a cart full of mailboxes to the pod as WV flies overhead, and she looks at him. He waves to her and she waves back as the station passes by. Across the Pacific and 413,000,000 years in the past, another meteor is spat out of a portal and slams into the ground near a volcano, which promptly erupts. Lava fills the crater, and a temple with a frog on the top sprouts. Attached to the temple is a small offshoot that resembles a planet with a moon. Surrounding it are four pillars, and on the edge of the crater is a smaller pillar that also has a 'moon.' Years pass, and the Pacific Ocean forms. The offshoot breaks off and falls into the newly created lagoon small pillar's top breaks off. The four large pillars also collapse as a Pterosaur flies overhead.

At Rose's house, she is pounding on the dead generator as a burning tree falls. Rose jumps away from the fire. Rose's mom activates a secret door in the mausoleum, causing it to slide open.

On Derse, John's Dad is being led to a prison cell by two imps. He opens the fake handcuffs, and pulls a cake and a can of shaving cream from his Wallet Sylladex to retaliate. Meanwhile, Dave prepares to strife with his Bro.

WV's station arrives at the Frog Temple, which now has a gaping chasm where the volcano used to be. The Carapacian gazes up at the frog as the curtains close. Written above them are the words:

END OF ACT TWO


End file.
